By Sacha Brinkley, Content Editor
It’s neurodivergent week! This is a chance to promote, celebrate and raise awareness about all things neurodivergent.
This article has been written from the point of view of someone who lives with neurodiverse people. In it, I will be exploring what neurodivergence means, how to support your neurodiverse family, and how to support yourself.
So, what do we mean when we say neurodivergent?
It’s a good idea to clearly define what neurodivergent means.
If you are neurodivergent, it means having a brain that works differently from the average or neurotypical person. Many different types of brains fall under this umbrella term, such as:
- ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder)
- ASD (autism spectrum disorder)
- Bipolar disorder
- Dyslexia (difficulty with reading)
- Dyscalculia (difficulty with maths)
- Dysgraphia (difficulty with writing)
- Dyspraxia (difficult with co-ordination)
- OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder)
- Sensory processing disorders
- Social anxiety
- Tourette syndrome
The list above is not exhaustive, but most people will recognise these terms. Some of these neurodiverse conditions come about due to environmental factors, but most are genetic.
For example, if you are autistic or ADHD, there is a chance that your relatives will also be the same.
A lot of these conditions also sit on a spectrum, meaning no one neurodivergent person is the same and could require different supports day-to-day.
Supporting a neurodivergent child
Supporting a neurodivergent child, whether formally diagnosed or not, can vary depending on the amount of care they need. The following tips are quite broad and may not apply in all situations:
Acceptance: the first, and probably hardest, thing to do is to accept that your child has, or potentially has, a neurodivergent brain. Ignoring the signs will be detrimental to your child’s mental health as well as your own. Accepting them for who they are, even if doesn’t match what you hoped for them, will help them thrive.
Routine/consistency: create a routine and stick with it. For example, in our house, the bedtime routine is the same every single day, even at the weekends. If the routine gets changed, it can be harder for our son to get to sleep. Children – particularly neurodiverse children – have very little control over their lives, but knowing that the same thing will happen every day gives them some of that control back.
Communication: if there is going to be a change, make sure you tell them in advance and keep reminding them that the change is going to happen. As mentioned above, having a small amount of control over a situation really helps – so being told exactly what’s happening and why it’s happening will make a world of difference to them.
Boundaries: make sure that boundaries are still set with your child. While some behaviours may be treated differently, it’s important to make sure that your child still understands their boundaries. For example, my child is very clumsy and forgetful, but he doesn’t get told off for, say, knocking something over by mistake, or forgetting his school bag. These things happen. Instead, we focus on his emotional intelligence – making sure he is kind and considerate to others and uses his manners.
Safe spaces: if your neurodivergent child goes to school or creche, you might notice that they’re very wound-up by the time they get home. I can tell how bad my son’s day is by the amount of stimming he does – he zooms around the house, makes lots of noises and chews up all his clothes, and sometimes he has a huge meltdown. We’ve mitigated this by establishing a good routine post-school: he comes home, sits down in his safe space, eats a bunch of snacks and gets to watch his tablet in peace until we finish work. By following this routine, it means he’s calmed down enough to do homework and chill with us until it’s time for bed. A safe space doesn’t have to be very big or expensive (especially if you live in a small house like us) – for example, it could be a small tent in the corner of a room, filled with cushions and sensory lights/toys.
Technology: I’m in a very lucky position that my child can communicate with me verbally and through body language. For those whose children can’t, utilise technology to help them communicate with you. Give them the tools and power to be able to talk to you in their own way.
Recognition: finally, recognise your child’s strengths. Praise them for doing the things they love. If you choose to tell your child about their neurodivergent brain, focus on the positive. We described my son’s neurodivergence to him as “spice”, so we ask him how spicy he’s feeling day-to-day. We also make sure to read books about neurodiverse people and use real life examples to help him understand what it means to be neurodivergent. This is particularly important as they get older and navigate school and all the social nuances associated with school – knowing it’s okay to be “different” and accepted for who you are is a wonderful boost for their brains!
Many of these tips can also be used for neurotypical children! The key is to be calm, consistent, patient, and supportive.
Supporting a neurodivergent family member or partner
Getting formally assessed and diagnosed as an adult is very challenging: the only viable option is through private means, which is very expensive. Otherwise, you might be on a waiting list for years before you get seen.
This is why it’s important that there’s a good supportive base at home. It can be tough on everyone, but as with supporting a child, there are some measures that can be taken. These are outlined below:
Acceptance: first, accept that your partner/family member has a neurodivergent brain. This does not mean to say that it excuses certain behaviours, but it does put a broader context on everything. Encourage them to accept themselves, too – that it’s okay to be neurodivergent and the best thing to do is work together.
Consistency: as with neurodiverse children, consistency will help with neurodivergent adult brains as well. For example, give notice in advance if you’re making plans to go anywhere, or if plans change.
Communication: this is a must for someone with a neurodivergent brain, especially those with ADHD or autism. For example, you need to be very specific when giving an instruction to someone with ADHD – instead of saying “can you pick those things up at some point” say instead “I need you to pick up those things at 2pm and put them in the basket so they can be washed”. Some people with autism don’t understand tone, be it their own tone or from others, so it’s really important to be as clear as you can to be understood.
Safe spaces: if your neurodivergent partner/family member has had a bad day at work, make sure there’s space and time for them to decompress. Maybe they need a short nap after finishing work, or to just sit in a quiet room watching Netflix. Like neurodiverse children, give them the space to regulate so they can get back to family life in a better frame of mind.
Technology: utilise technology to help your partner/family member. Put absolutely everything in a shared online calendar. Get a housework app that you can share with the whole family so everyone is doing their share (we use Sweepey in our house). Write down lists that can be followed/ticked off.
Recognition: make sure that you praise your partner/family member for their strengths. They may find social situations hard and don’t want to go out as much as you, but perhaps they’re amazing at building Lego with the kids, or really creative with painting. Remind them how great they are and how much you love them for exactly who they are.
Supporting yourself
Finally, make sure you carve time out for yourself. Set aside a few hours of downtime with a cup of tea and a book or your favourite videogame. Try and connect with others who live with neurodiverse people and create a support network.
It’s also okay to have a frank conversation with your partner/family member that you’re struggling with their neurodivergence and how best to support them. Keeping the lines of communication clear is super important and you can overcome most things by working together.
If you need to reach out to a professional service for support, then do so. You can email HR for more information about how to avail of the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) for free.